WFAFO 13 NEWS EXCLUSIVE: Sheriff’s Department Rolls Out High-Performance Patrol Upgrades Across leadballoon | RP City

By WFAFO 13 News | leadballoon | RP - Nov. 23, 2025

BLAINE COUNTY, SA — In a move that has surprised residents, startled criminals, and annoyed exactly one man named Tater Biscuit, the Blaine County Sheriff’s Department has officially begun upgrading its fleet with a series of brand-new, high-performance patrol vehicles.

Sources inside the department tell WFAFO that these new units are faster, heavier, better armored, and “significantly harder for certain local troublemakers to outrun.”

Though they didn’t name names, WFAFO is confident they meant Tater.

A New Era of Pursuit Power

The Sheriff’s Department previewed the upgrades late last night during a closed-door demonstration at the county airfield. WFAFO got the details:

✔ Next-Generation Sheriff Interceptor

A modern rebuild of a classic patrol platform:

• Tuned V8 pursuit engine

• Reinforced bumpers and PIT-ready frame

• Enhanced suspension for off-road county chases

• Upgraded lighting package for increased visibility

One deputy described it as:

“Something that can finally keep up with whatever Tater stuffed under the hood of that ’83 deathtrap.”

✔ Tactical Pursuit SUV

A heavy-duty vehicle designed for rural and off-road chases:

• Increased ground clearance

• All-terrain drive system

• Multi-purpose storage for medical & tactical gear

• Stabilized roof platform for air-to-ground coordination

  
  

Sheriff’s Command says this SUV will be deployed for:

• Long distance highway patrol

• Sandy Shores search operations

• Paleto Bay storms & emergency response

• “Any situation where the suspect believes dirt roads make him invisible”

  
  

✔ Citywide K9 & Traffic Unit Expansion

The department is also adding a specialized K9/Traffic patrol vehicle featuring:

• Reinforced interior cage

• Performance braking

• Multi-band radar, license scanners, and dash-tech upgrades

• Dedicated canine safety & cooling modules

  
  

A Sheriff’s spokesperson told WFAFO:

“If you’re speeding, fleeing, or hiding something in your trunk, this is the one you don’t want behind you.”

Tater Biscuit Responds

During an entirely unrelated gas station visit, WFAFO caught up with Sandy Shores local legend Tater Biscuit, who reacted to the new patrol upgrades with visible concern.

“So they finally bought some cars that run, huh?” — Tater Biscuit, sipping a cold beer at the Stab & Grab

When asked whether he believed the new vehicles were meant for him, Tater responded:

“If they’re buyin’ faster cars, I’ll just build a faster one.”

Deputies declined to comment on that statement.

Why Now?

Sheriff’s analysts say recent increases in:

• reckless driving

• street racing

• stolen patrol vehicle incidents

• suspicious desert activity

• moonshine-related explosions

… have convinced leadership that the county’s patrol fleet needed “a serious modern upgrade.”

A department memo obtained by WFAFO states the goal clearly:

“Outrun no one. Protect everyone.”

THE FINAL WORD

The streets of leadballoon | RP are about to feel different — louder sirens, brighter lights, and a lot more horsepower patrolling the county day and night.

Criminals are nervous. Deputies are excited. And Tater Biscuit is… preparing something, probably.

WFAFO 13 will stay on top of this story as the upgraded units roll out across the city.

This is WFAFO 13 News — where the city speaks, and we listen.